This is a formal announcement to the world. I have decided to make it via Blog because a Press Conference is too 'I did not have sexual relations', and a Memo is best left for TPS Reports.
Beginning next week, I am taking a sabbatical to develop my 'special' talents. You see, I recently hiked Mt. Timpanogos in Utah. After climbing to an elevation of 11,749 feet without sunscreen for 9 hours, I have transformed to look like Sebastian robbing a Maverick gas station. My crimson skin is a shade never before seen on a human being. For the past week, I have been the target of pointing, gawking, and tongue-sticking-outing followed by many "look at the leper" comments. (I may be hideous, but can still hear you, little boy!!!) With this recent unwanted attention, I now consider myself a freak of nature. After being driven to seek sanctuary in my poorly lit apartment bedroom, I have decided to bid farewell to the comforts of home to become a carny. (Carnies... Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.)
In all honesty, I have never been to a Carnival, and only after receiving a full round of immunizations did I go to the Circus as a child. I have a strong belief that top hats are best left on tap dancers, and those big stuffed animals take up way too much space. Despite my demise of traveling shows, after realizing that society will no longer accept me as an equal, the carnival is the best place for me.
I will have many responsibilities as a carny. In between selling possums on a stick (you can really taste the rabies!) and running the tilt-o-hurl, I will be the newest attraction. People will come from miles around to see the amazing lobster-girl. I expect to be kept in a iron cage on a small stool. If I'm lucky they will give me a kitten to keep me company. At least I will be able to add to my mullet picture collection. I'm excited to see if anyone will beat Billy Ray Cyrus...that hair is art. Pure art.Over time, I will become the master con artist. Twisting words will become my forte and even the most tattooed teenager will not escape my convincing tone. Soon I will encourage the World's Strongest Man to help me overthrow the Ring Leader. With Capn' Carny-as I call him- out cold, the carnival will finally be mine! My new power will unleash a chain reaction, and soon the carnival will not be enough. Within months I will have managed to overthrow the circus (take that Barnum and Bailey!) as well as Siegfried and Roy. With this new army of lions, tigers, and...elephants (take that Dorothy!) I will make my final attempt at ultimate power: Walmart.
It will take approximately 16 months of fighting alongside the Bearded Lady in the trenches for me to realize that Walmart is too powerful an enemy. Those always low prices really cannot be beat. And I thought I could accomplish world domination with a red smiley face...guess I missed the memo that red is definitely not the new yellow.
