Auntie Goose

Being the world's best aunt comes with its quips. Not only do I leave my sister's house smelling like baby wipes and peas, but I have crazy songs in my head for the remainder of the week. I can't tell you the looks I get by walking to class singing, "I see a fire truck, a big, red, SHINY fire truck!" or "J says juh, J says juh, every letter makes a sound, and J says juh!" I never even hear the full songs, because my nephew keeps pushing the buttons before the song finishes. So here's what I've been singing for the past 3 days – mind you, this song is sung by a lady with a heavy Brooklyn accent. Keep that in mind:

"I see a, I see a, I see a fire truck, I see, I see a fire, I see, I see a, I see a fire truck, a big red, I see a…et cetera, et cetera…"

Trust me; I'm going gang - busters here!

And besides these electronic jingles, I've been reunited with all my old favorite nursery rhymes. I'm not going to lie, and neither are my hips, Mother Goose has always frightened me. Am I alone in thinking that these songs make absolutely no sense?

I have decided to rid the world of confusing nursery rhymes. Let's begin with Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater:

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her, very well.

Oh man, do I have problems with this one! To begin, why did Mr. Pumpkin Eater put his wife in a pumpkin shell? Have you smelled pumpkins about a week after Halloween? In no way could he keep her 'very well'. Also, why couldn't Peter keep his wife? My bet is that he found a hot, twenty something in leggings and decided she was much prettier hanging on his arm then his current wife of 42 with stretch marks. Peter's plan: get rid of his wife… permanently. Finally, even those this song is meant for kids, how can putting a person in a stinky pumpkin be appropriate? Are these the things we want to be teaching our children? I can see the teachers now…

"Okay my little, gullible people! It's time for cognitive development! Now, according to Peter the pumpkin eater, when we can't deal with problems, we need to find an abnormally large vegetable to put them in..."

Sheesh! If we took the goose in the bonnet seriously, jail birds would be awful stinky fellows.

I can also tell that this rhyme is not 'nice'. Dude, Mother Goose needs to get down to the nitty-gritty and be honest. If you are going to talk about locking someone up in a pumpkin, you might as well give the gory details about how it went down. The Grim Brothers are great examples of 'honest' storytellers. With this in mind, I'm changing the words to the following:

Peter, Peter, the big cheater,
Killed his wife so she wouldn’t meet 'her'
Put her body in a pumpkin shell,
And there the wife began to smell.

Much better! It may be a little graphic, disturbing, and not 'kid friendly', but honesty is the best medicine, Mrs. Goose. All you need is a spoonful of sugar and you have a sweet concoction of truth-telling deliciousness that will slide down your throat with the greatest of ease. Perhaps you should take your pastel-colored bonnet and try your rhyming talents elsewhere. May I suggest pairing up with Vanilla Ice? I hear he's back with a brand new invention, baby.