Let's Get Real

A couple weeks ago I watched what is advertised as being "the most dramatic season of The Bachelor yet." I must admit, this season does look promising. The premiere contained the perfect mix of craziness: blonds, booze, boobs, and one really desperate girl showing her aquatic side (just of word of advice, ladies: the way to a man's heart is not through wiggling your webbed toes in his face).

So there I was in my flannel pajamas eating some Triscuit and Easy Cheese, when mid-squeeze I had an idea. I sat there frozen - the Triscuit in my palm becoming completely overwhelmed by the mountain of cheese consuming its delicious low-sodium layering of whole-grain goodness - as I thought. I had been brainstorming for months on how to make the most cashola with the least amount of physical effort. The answer was literally staring me in the face: create a ridiculous and far-fetched reality show.

Over the years, I have watched my fair share of reality shows. I often reminisce about seeing my mom gag at the contestants eating coagulated blood balls and cow intestines on Fear Factor. I must admit that approximately 2 years ago, innocent bystanders must have thought me a British boarding school headmistress, as my insult of choice was a heavily accented,"you are the weakest link...goodbye." I openly admit to my reality nerdiness, but my religious watching of partly-scripted television has allowed me to understand what it takes to make it in the Real World AND how to create one successful reality show.

Nowadays, you can make a reality show about anything. All you need are the following three aspects: The catchy title, the witty one-liner, and the outrageous situation in which to house the absurd idea.

Survivor and The Bachelor both got this memo. The titles are a little bland by themselves, but once you add a flashy one-liner, they are gold mines. At the end of each Survivor episode when "the tribe has spoken," it is as if I am watching one of those secretly suggestive cultural shows on the Discovery Channel. The bachelor has the dramatic "Will you accept this rose?" After which I proceed to bite my nails and sit in pure wonderment over whether the ditsy blond with bronzer running down her legs will accept the opportunity to date the tall, dark, and handsome hunksicle. Both are casted with typical characters to add the maximum degree of drama. Gosh, these shows are suspenseful, and in no way predictable!

So here's what I have in mind for my own reality series. I picture the commercial to read something like this:

Thought Hell's Kitchen was the most intense show you've ever seen? Buckle that seat belt, baby! Does Flavor of Love take the cake in your bakery of ridiculous relationship TV? Prepare to throw away your cookbook! Coming soon to a television near you, get ready to experience a show of religious proportions. The Monastery will take twelve boisterous strangers from their noisy, fast-paced lives and force them into the ultimate vow of silence. Isolated from society and denied communication, their sanity will be pushed to the limit. Every week, one person will be voted out as they hear the fateful words, "you have said your last prayer." For every week they last, they will be one step closer to winning a million dollars. Will these loud mouths be able to keep their trap shut? Will the absolute isolation and silence drive them mad? Find out this Spring only on NBC.