Obituary Facelift

So here it is, the weekend. Some people kick back by drinking coffee, others go running, my husband watches “Cops.” I read the obituaries. I’m a self-defined critic of obituaries, although I like to think of them as the “Cliff Notes” of a lifetime.

Lately I’ve been fascinated on how you can describe decades of time in three inches of vaguely-written text. I’ve found that obituaries have a top secret coded language (unfortunately not the kind you can use with your Ovaltine decoder ring). Regretfully, this code only allows the use of 25 adjectives including: courageous, noble, valiant, and gone fishing. I’m always looking for more description about the deceased, rather than a list of relatives or directions to the funeral home. After perusing hundreds of obituaries, I’ve decided to request an obituary facelift. Look at it as “Flip this Condolence” or “Project Whitelight.” Its pretty simple – more creative visuals, less form and structure. I have attached an example of my own obituary (but let’s hope for the real deal my family coughs up the cash to attach a picture and a few more paragraphs).

Hot Mama passed away Friday from eating too much processed cheese and not getting enough sleep.

She lived life on the edge, never using her Rollerblade brake to stop, just preferring to jump on the nearest grassy surface or use the old “squeeze the thighs together” technique. She loved the free mini energy bars you receive after running a 5K. A master of gimmicky dance moves, her favorites were the running man, pencil sharpener, and booty shake. She believed that for every one part bagel there should be two parts cream cheese. A funny gal and first-class belcher; her favorite days were spent gossiping and laughing with her family.

Family, friends, and pets of Hot Mama know who they are and know that she loves them. A barbeque/dance party has been planned for Saturday night. In lieu of flowers, please bring a copy of your favorite song, as Hot Mama has requested to be buried with her i-Pod so she can jam out while in line for heaven.