Matchmaker, Matchmaker

It has recently come to my attention that the average national age for women to get married is 25. In Utah, that average age drops to 22.5. I just so happen to be a fine, foxy Utahan in my early twenties, and frankly, I think I'm in trouble.

I have never actually had a boyfriend, so I am not an expert on the subject of relationships (unlike my friends Oprah, and newcomer Tyra Banks). According to the state average, if I don't jump on this marriage bandwagon soon, all the good guys will be gone. I will be forced to live a life of solitude with only my fourteen golden retrievers to keep me company. I will have the need to purchase a cane to chase all the hooligans off my perennial-infested front yard shortly after converting to the Jewish religion so my vocabulary can include such words as 'putz,' 'mazel tov,' and 'shlep' (which, to my sister and my dismay, means 'to drag around').

It is obvious from my ring less hand and sudden urge to buy a colonial-style house (complete with veranda and rocking chair!) that I must be doing something wrong in my ritual courting. Hopefully, by sharing my few tipplets, you may find love before the dreaded state average gets you and beats you down with the newest issue of 'O Magazine.' Best of luck.

1. Never under any circumstances go out on a blind date.
You never know when you are going to get that crazy guy who for no reason at all shows up with one pant leg rolled up, introduces himself by his alias 'sensual cricket,' and drives 15 under the speed limit so he may admire the exact precision of the white lines on the road.

2. Do not continue the date if his car is 'lacking.'
If he picks you up in a POS nailed one to many times by birds with problematic bowels, has more than 2 bumper stickers, or has not been vacuumed in the past 3 years, RUN. Might I suggest he drive nothing less than a Honda, Acura, Mazda, Nissan, or Toyota. Bonus points are awarded for guys that show up in a Beemer, Mercedes, Porche, or Rolls Royce. Nice cars mean money. Money means comfort. I ain't sayin' I'm a gold digger, Kanye, but a girl's gotta have standards.
3. Make sure his visible body is void of any deformity or additional extremity.
Families and friends will find just about anything wrong with a potential boyfriend. On one such occasion, an interest (who, I must admit, had not discovered the beauty of a minor tweeze) was affectionately referred to as 'eyebrows' or 'caterpillar' by my siblings. After an all-too graphic dream of mammoth brows trapping me in a cocoon, whatever relationship that could have blossomed was quickly clipped.

So there you have it. Three dating tips from a defective dater. Now parden me as I leave to prepare for the Sabbath before Yente arrives. Perhaps she has finally found a suitable husband for me. I only hope he is not like the shlemiel she found last week. Oy vey...