Sleep Deprivation Torture

As I was fumbling towards the fridge to grab a glass of Sunny D this morning, I got to thinking about how I’m about 67% sure my death certificate will list “sleep deprivation” as the reason for my passing. I also got to thinking about how efficient it is as a form of heinous torture. You forget your name, how to dress yourself, how to pay for items at Rite Aid, and how to make anything that resembles a complete sentence.

Now I know that sleep deprivation isn’t glamorous or exciting. You don’t hear the blond Russian from “Rocky IV” muttering “I must wake you” or see Jack Bauer begging for a power nap. Wikipedia says it isn’t an actual form of torture, but I beg to differ. If “Mythbusters” ever does an episode on torture myths, I like to see if they can prove that sleep deprivation is a true torture device. I'd love to see Adam and Jamie without a few nights of sleep and see if they can still do those fancy-dancy math equations.

Alright, so you probably guessed it…I’m bitter. I’m a self-proclaimed connoisseur of sleeping. I could easily write Joy of Napping or Snoozing for Idiots. I kissed those days goodbye a long time ago. After about day 273 of no sleep, I think you just learn to accept your new identity of a sleepy, stuttering zombie. One day I’ll be able to list “sleeping” as my fondest hobbies. In the meantime…I’m still waiting to watch a trailer for a new Jean-Claude Van Damme movie where I hear the movie trailer voice guy say: “He’s survived being shot, stabbed, and forced to watch reruns of ‘Small Wonder,’ but can he survive the torture of…sleep deprivation...?”